He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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