i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish my penis had a tongue
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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