This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
