you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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