the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Everyone says I win the strip club
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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