i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
