Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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