Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
