your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
