508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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