college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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