I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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