I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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