Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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