stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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