just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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