evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
