the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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