I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
