you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Still dying that you shit outside
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
