I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
