Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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