if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Who wears a wallet chain?!
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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