he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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