remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
