I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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