my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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