I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
