If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
bring money and cleavage
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
