I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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