mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
