It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Randomize
