Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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