Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
