1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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