the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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