I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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