I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
