Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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