:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
