I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
