she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
