i would punch a child for taco bell
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
