I'm lost and stupid without you.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
