The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
