I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
