fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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