she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
