Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
