If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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