I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
