DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
