The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
