I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She announced her abortion via fbk
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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