it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize