she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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