my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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