Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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