why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
