I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
