i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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