If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
