it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
