you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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