Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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