so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
