News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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