I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
