watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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